Saturday, May 27, 2017

It’s 4:30 a.m. and I can’t sleep. Laila woke up for her 2 oz at 3:30a.m. and I had just enough rest that I couldn’t get back to sleep easily. I remember seeing a psychiatrist before she was born for PPD and she said that nothing can be solved at four in the morning; sleep was and is more important. She is highly qualified, so she’s probably correct, but sometimes getting the relentless chatter out of my head will relax me enough to let me fall back asleep. Let’s face it: three and a half hours isn’t rest. For someone who used to sleep closer to ten hours (when I could get it), the fact that I’m even lucid right now is miraculous. I suppose it just goes to show you that you can adapt to just about anything.

So, I’m sitting in the nursery Laila doesn’t use yet with the baby monitor (she’s giggling in her sleep!) in the glider and typing. I used to do this when I was pregnant with James and couldn’t sleep. I should have gotten more help, or even just an evaluation, during my pregnancy with James and most definitely after. I just didn’t know what was normal for my mood. When you’re hormones are going crazy, how do you know if it’s ‘normal’ or unnecessarily stressful?

We had just moved. Little things from the renovation weren’t finished and I had a bruised/cracked tailbone while working full time. Is it really so surprising I was feeling stressed? Irritable? It seemed reasonable to me that everything was a little bit off, but it wasn’t. Plus, I hated asking for help. I have since revised my stance and will now ask for help from my husband without issue. Actually, in all likelihood, if I’m asking him for help, I’m pretty flipping pissed already.

I’m grateful that Canada’s healthcare system afforded me the opportunity to be evaluated this time around. I don’t know if it was the regular appointments that helped me feel better, but I am coping so much better this time around.

The adjustment to two babies is difficult. Yet, in some ways it’s also easier. I knew what to expect (no ‘me’ time, sleep deprivation, round the clock crying bursts and feeding), and Laila has been pretty good. But I still can’t sleep well. Maybe I’m just too used to being sleep deprived?

Also, even though I’m tired, this is potentially the one time of day that no one needs me. Everyone is asleep, so I can be selfish and think about me. It makes me feel guilty and wrong just thinking that, but some genuine me-time is so essential. I used to spend my time however I wanted, especially on the weekend. I loved rainy spring/summer/fall weekends where I could sit, read a book in one sitting while sipping tea and eating (an entire) bag of chips. I didn’t feel guilty for missing the beautiful weather and I could just do what I loved. I miss that; I know that there will be days when I can do that and more so as the kids grow. There will be guilt there too. I try to spend plenty of time cuddling them while they are little. I don't want to miss that, but sometimes I just need alone time with my book. 

Good morning world! I'm going back to bed now. 

You Might Also Like